This is hard...I should have done this last week. I don't want this blog to be exclusively about sad things...and it pretty much has been from the beginning...things will get better...we're due.
There were 23 of us cousins on my dad's side. We've always been all over the map as our families grew up in Montana, Washington, California, Texas and Virginia. The ranch in Montana was our focal point, and us cousins would occasionally meet up should our summer vacation plans overlap. I was not especially close to Jennifer...we lived 1500 miles away from each other our entire lives...but I was pretty close to her folks and to a couple of her siblings. A couple weeks ago, Jennifer became the first of the 23 to pass away. At 41 she was also one of the youngest of us cousins. She leaves a husband and three girls. What's fair about any of that?
Ironically Jennifer died of cancer on the day I was diagnosed with cancer. That's where any similarity ends...because compared to Jennifer, I have a paper cut. All who visited her these past months said that she handled things with a tremendous amount of grace, strength and dignity. I should have gone to visit her...but I was so concerned about my job that I never went. I was so concerned about my all-important job that I could not manage to visit my sick cousin...or to attend the surprise 50th birthday party for an old friend...or our last family reunion held in Colorado. I managed one vacation in the last two years of my job...a 4-day-weekend ski trip.
Jennifer is dead at 41. My wife and I have both been diagnosed with cancer in our mid-40's. My dad lost an eye to cancer at 41...and his life to it at 55. Why for the past four years have I probably worked 50 hours a week for 51 weeks a year and still feared I was not doing enough? How much value have I created for the people and companies I have toiled for these past 20+ years? So what will it take for me to realize what is really important in life? If the events of the past two weeks aren't enough, there's no hope for me.
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin, Dave. You are certainly going through some trying, yet at the same time enlightening times, too. I know you will come out of all of this a changed person, a stronger person, stronger in ways that you probably are unaware of yet but will easily recognize when the time comes. Until then, sharing your thoughts through your blog can't help but be cathartic. . .and those of us who read it benefit, too.
ReplyDeleteThanks for doing it.
Unemployment sucks, but the loss of the insane, daily stress is like a breath of fresh air. Having just returned from an urban vacation I realize just how valuable fresh air is... figuratively and literally. Thanks for sharing. It puts my shit into proper perspective.
ReplyDelete