Manhood: A lifelong contest.

One of the handful of coming of age stories that my dad enjoyed repeating was how the boys in his one-room schoolhouse near Manhattan, Montana would often have a contest of who could leave the highest urinary evidence on the back outside wall of the school. Just innocent games that little kids play, but like the TV nature show with footage of the bear cubs wrestling around, we learn that this child's-play is preparing us for the contests of our future manhood.

From my first Junior High gym class at Luther Jackson (the first time we boys ever had the opportunity to shower in school) to the arrival of the Esquire magazine (above) just last week, I figure I have spent most of the past 33 years trying to be a man. Sometimes, when things are going well, you can go months without ever consciously thinking about it. Other times (especially if your territory is invaded) being a man is always at least in the back of your mind.

This is one of those times where it's all drawn together. When you lose your job, get diagnosed with prostate cancer and George Clooney arrives in the mail - all in the same week, a guy can get pretty defensive. There's nothing figuratively more emasculating then your boss flying into town, telling you that you suck, and shitcanning you. You have gone from breadwinner and provider to househusband overnight.

Although I need to be neutral and open-minded in my decision, this manhood thing is having an influence on my prostate cancer treatment choice. I'm told that surgery is the ONLY option for a man my age...but I'm being exposed to other viable options as I do my own research. There are numerous skilled and dedicated surgeons...and there are thousands of prostate cancer survivors who have gone that route with minimal side effects and would do it again. But I'm also reading dozens of sobering stories of those who chose surgery and now are battling incontinence or impotence. Or both. These are not Internet trolls who have a beef with their doctor and are venting their anger online. Most of these men still have extreme respect for their surgeons...most are only posting online to answer direct questions posed by men who recently had the surgery. Perhaps the worst thing about Prostate cancer is not how deadly it is (relatively speaking it is not usually very deadly) but the fact that there are probably 5 or 6 well-accepted treatments that offer similar long-term cure statistics. Basically the main differences are the costs of the treatments, their durations and (last but hardly least) their POTENTIAL side effects. Just like life, no prostate cancer treatment comes with a guarantee that you will be cured or with a guarantee that you'll have no side effects.

Maybe you would not expect a guy that lists "Defending Your Life" among his favorite movies to be very worried about his manhood. And for most of my adult life, I haven't been. But the job loss was a low blow to my self-esteem...and now the future looks uncertain. So, I'm leaning towards a treatment that seems to show less side effects. Especially in the incontinence department...and, to a lesser extent, with impotence as well. I read that whole damn Esquire article and nowhere did it mention men who wear diapers or take little blue pills. And that's a damn shame, because I would imagine that there are some very manly men who do so every day.